I decided to start a new blog mainly because I feel that the other one was too contaminated with past experiences and I needed to start anew. I haven't dared to look back at my old posts on the other blog because I am too afraid that old emotions will come rushing back or that I will start hating myself because of my past stupidity. I haven't really written for myself in a long time ever since high school ended and I need to have an outlet. Ever since college started I've been on the down low with my emotions. I don't like to talk to people about it because I dislike being vulnerable and having people be able to see through me. In addition, I think people are simply tired of listening to me complain about life among other things. Because honestly, life is not so bad. There are much worse things in life that I am grateful I do not have to endure and I must learn to appreciate what I have right now.
Lately I have thought a lot about life and what I would like to do with it. I feel that I have been so caught up in the mist of school and family duties that I have forgotten about myself. It's important to make others feel happy but we're also responsible for our own happiness and it's dangerous to compromise too much between ones own happiness and the happiness of those around that person. And I have definitely fallen into that trap. Career-wise I do not want to be an accountant but it is what my family wants for me and as an only child I feel I have a duty to fulfill that dream of theirs. But what about my own dream? I want to travel and perhaps teach in China for a bit and feel connected to the place where my family came from. Maybe I just have a very idealistic view of China and travelling but I think that by going there I will "level up." I do not feel that I have grown as a person very much over the past two years and would really love to just mature a bit. Several people I know have gone to study abroad and I definetely see changes in the way they think and there is no doubt in my mind that they have matured and changed for the better. I do have a few hesitations for going abroad though. The first being that I would like to be around for my grandmother who I feel would be rather lonely if I weren't in the states. The second being that I am afraid of being away from family and the things that I am familiar with. I tend to always think of all the things I would like to do and try to plan them out but they always fall through. I hope that for once my plans will start coming together and actually be carried out.
