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I think ever since coming to Stony Brook there hasn't been one day that I'm truly happy. Freshman year I was all adament about transferring out and going to a liberal arts school. I hated the connotations that came with the name of the school. In fact, it was shameful to tell people what school I was heading to. I felt bad for my parents when people asked them what school their daughter was going to. There was the sense of loss of pride which is something that I despise most. I would often tell my mother to just not tell people and change the topic when people asked them, but I guess you can't hide the truth forever. This year I was convinced by my family to pursue an accounting major and to completely forget about Women's Studies and Sociology. Truth be told, I am glad that I followed their advice. I felt completely lost when I didn't have a major but now I know what my goal is and that keeps me going every day. My major may not be the most exciting but sometimes you need to compromise a little and it's good that I was beginning to lose interest in the liberal arts. In addition, I am a China Studies minor which I find to be really exciting.

In other news, I hate how much negativity there is in me and that this negativity spreads to all aspects of my life, whether it be academics, family, social life, etc etc. Being negative definetely drains a lot out of you but I find being optimistic and happy even harder. I've also been told on several occasions that I'm a "hater." That's terrible! But, I know I am one, how can I not be one when I am so negative all the time. I rarely admit this but it's a form of defense mechanism for me. It's because I am so insecure about so many things about myself. Although this defense mechanism works in one aspect it also fails in a different aspect and the negatives really outweigh any positives there may be. I don't want to be a hater, I want to be friendly to people and be approachable because I honestly don't think I'm that bad of a person?

I wish I could connect more with my roommate because honestly she's just one of the nicest and sweetest people I've met at Stony. We often offer each other food and whatnot but we don't really talk unless it's about classes and when I have questions about Chinese. I think a large part of it has to do with a cultural difference. She still struggles a bit with the English language and I think sometimes it's difficult for her to express herself in English? I don't know...

By the way, there was a 5 minutes faux blizzard earlier in the afternoon. It was really pretty and had a really romantic feel to it, made me wish there was someone there to share the moment with me ;_; . It's moments like those that make me feel content and restores some faith I have in the world. Unfortunately, it's all due to GLOBAL effin WARMING!!!!

Anyways, hopefully really good news in a month or so... really looking forward to it... Stay tuned...

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I decided to start a new blog mainly because I feel that the other one was too contaminated with past experiences and I needed to start anew. I haven't dared to look back at my old posts on the other blog because I am too afraid that old emotions will come rushing back or that I will start hating myself because of my past stupidity. I haven't really written for myself in a long time ever since high school ended and I need to have an outlet. Ever since college started I've been on the down low with my emotions. I don't like to talk to people about it because I dislike being vulnerable and having people be able to see through me. In addition, I think people are simply tired of listening to me complain about life among other things. Because honestly, life is not so bad. There are much worse things in life that I am grateful I do not have to endure and I must learn to appreciate what I have right now.

Lately I have thought a lot about life and what I would like to do with it. I feel that I have been so caught up in the mist of school and family duties that I have forgotten about myself. It's important to make others feel happy but we're also responsible for our own happiness and it's dangerous to compromise too much between ones own happiness and the happiness of those around that person. And I have definitely fallen into that trap. Career-wise I do not want to be an accountant but it is what my family wants for me and as an only child I feel I have a duty to fulfill that dream of theirs. But what about my own dream? I want to travel and perhaps teach in China for a bit and feel connected to the place where my family came from. Maybe I just have a very idealistic view of China and travelling but I think that by going there I will "level up." I do not feel that I have grown as a person very much over the past two years and would really love to just mature a bit. Several people I know have gone to study abroad and I definetely see changes in the way they think and there is no doubt in my mind that they have matured and changed for the better. I do have a few hesitations for going abroad though. The first being that I would like to be around for my grandmother who I feel would be rather lonely if I weren't in the states. The second being that I am afraid of being away from family and the things that I am familiar with. I tend to always think of all the things I would like to do and try to plan them out but they always fall through. I hope that for once my plans will start coming together and actually be carried out.